Sunday, August 22, 2004

Pigeons and beer pong. Yes, they are related.

So I got hit by another pigeon. This is not good. I think it is some type of sign, but I just don't know what it is supposed to be telling me. I quizzed a few more people about it and apparently I am the first human to have had this happen to them. Maybe I could get in the guinness book of world records. There was a man that got hit by lightening like eight times. I imagine the odds of getting hit by pigeons eight times is low. Plus how could I really document it. Anyways, I don't like it and apparently it is not good bar talk. I was hitting on this woman right. Two signs that it was not going well were that she said she was thirty and that I was just way too young for 'someone like her'. That translates into someone who is thirty and not as attractive as her. Seriously though she was georgous. I figured in a city of eight million the odds are low that I will actually face her agian so what the hell. Also because of this fact, and about half a handle of bourbon swashing around in my abdomen, I decide to forage on. This is when the second sign of not being interested came in. She said 'hey here is my friend you should meet her'. Shortly after the intro she decided to excuse herself to use the bathroom. This was girl language for I have to go so that my elaborate plan to not talk to you anymore, which I have been thinking up while I was pretending to listen to you speak, can go into action. She is off to the bathroom. Her friend, who apparently knew the plan well started going into a story about their friends and how they were supposed to meet up but there was a mix up and they were somewhere else. The original girl comes back from the bathroom, I don't even think she walked in the right direction, and says that her friends called her and they were in this other bar and they were going to meet them, but it was very nice to meet me. First off you have to be kidding me. Ladies just tell someone you don't want to talk to them, or better yet just say that you aren't interested. Seriously when you think up these lame excuses and carry out these intricate plans guys know what is going on. Sometimes we keep talking just to see how far you will go not to talk to us. Maybe I shouldn't use we because I may be the only one who does this. Another thought, this is bad that I have been rejected enough times to identify what girls and do and enough times to observe it a lot. Seriously if you tell someone you have a boyfriend and then they see you making out with three different dudes that night then your lie didn't take you that far. In the end guys are fine with rejection. Also if you think they are genuinely a nice guy and you don't want to hurt their feelings then do this, say 'hey I am sorry I am just not interested in you, but you were so nice let me buy you a drink'. No guy will ever leave that situation with a bad thing to say about you. I promise and also you gave him a clear 'you've got no shot direction' so that he will leave you alone. Also he gets a departing gift and those are really great.
So how does this tie into beer pong. Well writing about bars brought that whole thing to mind so I wrote it. Beer pong is played in bars. On the surface this is a wonderful idea. Then you think about it a little bit. They do give you clean cups so that is a plus. Next you meet new people that you probably wouldn't have talked to. That is a plus. They are more minuses than plusses though. The first minus being that sometimes there are really long lines. Not fun at all. Next the ball hits the floor. Let's think about this people. You are at a bar. A quasi-public space. People walk all over that floor. They have walked all over the city. Most likely stepping in some pigeon poo, and now you get the connection. Also people puke on those floors and I imagine every once in a while some drunkard pisses the floor. So you pick up this ball and submerge it in a cup of water and it is supposed to be all clean. I know this goes the same for beer pong at home, but you know clean your floors are and can control some of these things. Next is that drunk people in a crowded bar chasing after a little ball that goes under bar stools quite easily is just a bad idea. I mean there is the obvious that you will knock some over or fall over yourself, but there is also the fact that you have to put your head waist height. No the airspace around the guys ass that you have to get close to to pick up that ball is not a place you want to be. Lastly people try and tell you to drink the beers that they had left over. I just laughed at the dude that tried this. I want to do a study on communicable diseases and the beer pong bars that spread them. I mean I drink after my friends, but not after some dude with a huge soar on his lip that looks like some sort of miniature chernobyl. If I am gonna do this I may as well do a sex in africa tour trying to have sex in every village in the country and only bringing one condom. It's like playing russian roulette with five full chambers and one empty one. Except this is the aids take home version. Seriously it should be in the book entitled when good ideas go bad. It's like when guys hear about marriage. They are thinking that there will be this woman who says i'll have sex with you for the rest of your life. This makes you happy. Then you get married and find out that they meant it will only happen annualy. And not on any leap years or days of the week that end in y. enough ranting for one night. There are some things that should be left out of the bar scene and some things stay exclusively at the bar. Beer pong I think is one of these. It'd be like knife throwing the bar version, or weird old gay guy in running shorts sits at the bar all night the apartment version. That is a story in itself. Also there is a story about cheekbones that is pretty funny. That will come out in the 'when women say that straight guys should compliment them like gay guys' edition. They really don't mean it, and then they say hey I know someone you will like and they grab their one friend who is out with all the girls and he carries his own purse. And yes that is akward.


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